The number 444 has started appearing frequently to me. I was never one to really believe in these things, but given the circumstances, maybe it's real... maybe it could be a sign from him to me.

Memories fill our soul and feed our nostalgia. Like a shadow that will follow us until the end of our existence, all those moments that once felt endless are now buried in our minds as if they had been just a dream, so distant from reality now… I look back. At my old home, people, and places that are no longer part of who I am. They belonged to the person I used to be, the one from the past. Every now and then, I dream about my old room. I wish I could find an answer to these dreams, but I simply can't. Guesses are all I have. Maybe it’s nostalgia for the girl who once lived inside me? For the innocence and purity? For those moments when I was truly happy? So many memories were left behind in that house where I lived since I was a child. Today it belongs to another family, building new stories, while mine have faded there. I feel waves of melancholy when I think about it. All the colors that once existed in my life have turned into thick fog around me. There are no more sunny days, the remnants of genuine happiness are minimal and always fleeting… I’ve become so used to my new self that I only get glimpses of those old moments now. If it weren’t for my journals, I wouldn’t remember half of what has happened. I miss a time I will never live again.

Lately, I feel an inexplicable emptiness inside me, a kind of anguish that feels like thorny branches wrapped around my heart.

If I had to define my life in one word, it would be: monotonous. There is a profound emotional exhaustion when I wake up and realize that my day will hold nothing new. Today, I decided to sleep until three in the afternoon, thinking: why wake up if I’m not going to do anything? so I returned to sleep. I dreamt of some people from my past whom I would rather not remember. I love sleeping, as it is a refuge from all this chaos, but sometimes even dreams do not grant me peace. Every day is the same. I never imagined that growing up would be my worst nightmare. I longed for it when I was younger, if only she knew... My mind feels numb. There are days when I feel inspired to be much more productive, and then I go days doing almost nothing. Time passes, and I remain stagnant in the same place, taking small steps, like the story of the hare and the tortoise, but unlike the tortoise, I will never reach anywhere. I feel nothing, I think of nothing. My mind is like a blank sheet of paper now, even the smallest effort is enough for exhaustion to set in. The more I sleep, the more tired I feel. Well, the only thing that has cheered me slightly this month is halloween, my favorite time of year. I don’t know what else to write. I just wanted to update this page. I’m far too lethargic to write more beautifully, so... that will be all for today.